The Mindy Project
(can we just link to the episode?)
DANNY: What do you mean, you have a sex tape of me?
DR. REED: So you found the tape of me…
MINDY: Well, well, well. Looks like you guys do check your emails.
DR. REED: Mindy, it was Saturday night. I was otherwise occupied.
DANNY: Yeah, we get it. You were hooking up with a supermodel.
DR. REED: I’d hardly call this girl a supermodel. I think you need to be booking domestic covers before you call yourself a supermodel.
MINDY: Okay, Danny, what was your excuse? Sitting on your stoop playing harmonica?
DANNY: I like to schedule c-sections for Saturday nights. The hospital’s quiet… it’s really great. Desolate.
MINDY: I fell asleep watching the movie Amelie, and when I woke up, I had spilt so much red wine on myself that I thought for a second I had been shot.
MORGAN: Shauna, are you going to a club with Dr. L?
SHAUNA: You can’t come, Morgan.
MORGAN: You need me to come. I have these amazing pills. Hold on. If you put one in your drink, it counteracts the effect of a roofie. The only problem is if you’re not already roofied, the pills have very roofie-like side effects.
DANNY: So basically your pill’s a roofie.
MORGAN: No! Why does everyone say that? It roofies the roofie. (silence) Okay, Curtis explains this much better than me.
DANNY: What’s that noise?
MINDY: Nothing! It’s just funny to me. Picturing you at a nightclub… it’s weird. It’s like Dracula on a beach.
DANNY: What? I go out.
DANNY: I do. You know what? I’m in. My grandma had this saying: You work hard, you play hard.
MINDY: Your grandmother coined the phrase “work hard, play hard”?
BETSY: Oh, Dr. Castellano! You look handsome like a youth minister.
When Morgan sets up in the bathroom and ends up becoming a bathroom attendant.
JEFF: I am trying to guess your job, based on your figure. Are you the mistress of a black congresswoman?
MORGAN: What are you up to, Dr. Reed? Are you a bridal angel, or a bridal devil? (to a guy in the bathroom) Thank you so much.
GUY: God bless you.
MORGAN: I happen to know a couple things about bad decisions, okay? i.e. mine, vis-à-vis prison.
NICK: It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
SCHMIDT: NO it’s NOT.
NICK: But Urkel? Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.
NICK: They never did get that frisbee back. I use it for a dish! I use it for pistachios in my room.
SCHMIDT: I’m going to keep growing forever. I’m like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. Peta Pan. Pesach Pan.
NICK: If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn’t hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I’d be rich. Like fill my gas tank all the way UP rich.
NICK (coughing): Don’t trust your government, kids.