In which we mildly entertainingly gush about New Girl

Sweet Nothings

MH: Is this recording? Oh, it is. Perfect!

CB: There’s a pimple in my ear. Like, in my earlobe.

MH: Does our audience really want to know that?

CB: Well, I didn’t know we were doing a co-post. I don’t have time to do a co-post. I have to do schoolwork so I can go watch Person of Interest.

MH: CB, what do you want from life.

CB: …your mom.

MH giggles.

CB: Oh, can I tell you something funny I said?

MH: What.

CB: So you know my whole prostitution thing—how I’m going to start my own business to pay off my car and how I told everyone at work?

MH: Yes.

CB: So today, I went to say goodbye to one of the doctors and Yvette. They were talking and laughing about something, and because I was walking by they were like, “Isn’t that right, CB?”

MH: Do they call you CB?

CB: Yeah.

MH: Nice. I approve.

CB: So I was like, “What did I do?” And they’re like, “Oh you didn’t do anything.” So I fired back, “You mean I didn’t do enough.” Dr. Packard and Yvette started cracking up. They basically collapsed on their desks. I just kept walking by.

MH: I like it.

CB: I can be funny, sometimes. My ear is… do you ever get those balls in your earlobes, like underneath the skin? Like calcium deposits.

MH: Like where your ear is pierced?

CB: Yeah. I think they are called calcium deposits. This one hurts. I think it’s a zit, though. I think it’s a zit and a calcium deposit.

MH: Weird.

CB: I know.

Can’t escape the cuteness

MH: So… all we need to do is have a five-minute conversation about New Girl. I think that should be our co-blog post. Let’s start with the “Re-Launch.” Even though Schmidt’s… to use a Jewish term… schlong is broken, it wasn’t that gross. I mean, he’s so ridiculous.

CB: Yeah. There are only a few times that this show grossed me out. I like New Girl. I just hope tonight’s episode is better than the ending of the second one where the guy comes in and says, “I don’t care who you are, what you’re like, anything. Let’s just go…” I mean what?!

MH: Yeah, that was really bad.

CB: How is that going off the grid? To be a complete slut—oh, this is okay?

MH: That whole episode was too ridiculous in a way. The fact that she was with him, and then Nick mixed up the guy she wanted to give her number to? Really Nick? Really. She wanted her number to go to the creepy guy. And then the other guy being like, “I think I could marry her” when he just saw her—things like that made it so crazy that I think they need to reign it in. It was a little unbelievable.

CB: And I didn’t like the sociological message. Going off the grid means catching every STD and sleeping with every guy imaginable?

MH: Yeah. When she first went off the grid, wasn’t that when she was a shot girl and then she was like, “This isn’t me”? But then she gets in a relationship that’s totally based on falsehoods, just for sex?

CB: Why don’t they just start paying each other?

MH: He’s hot though. But it’s almost as if there’s no chemistry.

CB: It’s because Zooey Deschanel is not a hot guy magnet. She’s adorable, cute, beautiful—I’m not saying she’s not attractive…

MH: It’s almost like it’s unnatural for her to be slutty or promiscuous. She’s too wholesome!

CB: In a good way.

MH: Even when she runs up to the guy and jumps on him it was CUTE! She can’t escape the cuteness.

This may complicate things,
but I’m in love with him

MH: What else I didn’t like is when Jess breaks up with Russell, the Fancyman, because he has this angry passion with his ex-wife and she wants that. She goes into this whole speech of “that’s what I’m looking for, blah blah blah.” You’re not that type of girl! There’s nothing in your character to show that you want someone who gets you angry all the time. That seemed really weird to me.

CB: I understand the whole idea that you want to be able to engage with that person and have a real passion.

MH: But her and Russell liked each other. It wasn’t a platonic relationship.

CB: Can I just say he was amazing?

MH: Don’t you want a Fancyman now? I loved the one where Nick grows a tomato and they’re on the roof and he tells Jess, “You’re dating the man I see myself growing old with. Russell, you’ve got a great-looking face. Your jawline could cut glass. Hold on tight, sister. Don’t let that one slip away.”

CB: I thought that Nick was going to be the one to hate this guy and I love that Nick is just like, “This may complicate things, but I’m in love with him.” I love, love, love, love when he’s sitting at Russell’s desk, and he’s calling whoever and is like, “This is President Nick Miller of Earth. I’d like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please. Yes, it’s about money.”

MH: I died laughing when he picks up the wooden duck and is like, “I want to kill you… because I respect you. I think I understand hunting!”

CB: And when Nick takes one of Russell’s sweaters.

MH: And Russell comes in and Nick’s like, “It was on the back of the chair, so I thought the sweater belonged to the chair. I thought it was a chair sweater. Those exist.”

It’s just so Schmidt

CB: I like the douche jar. Second episode, I don’t know what Schmidt says, but they’re reaching for the douche jar and he goes, “I know, I’ve already got the money out.”

MH: I love it when they meet Cece for the first time, and he takes off his shirt and he’s just sitting there smiling going, “Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Hot… sweet… a little tea bag action? Oh, I wasn’t talking—” and the smile on his face doesn’t change for a second; they get the douchebag jar and he’s pulling money out but still smiling at Cece…

CB: I actually like Cece, too. I expected her to be not that awesome, but she’s really funny. Of course I think it’s hilarious that she and Schmidt end up together.

MH: Oh, Schmidt. One of the scenes that I love so much is when they’re doing the top dog thing after Winston comes home and Schmidt’s on the couch with Nick and he’s like, “See that? It’s my new thumb ring. How choice is that? It’s a little skull… It’s so nectar.” And Nick’s like, “Did you just make up ‘nectar’?”

CB: I love how Schmidt says everything. It’s just so Schmidt.

MH: I loved when Jess is getting her furniture back from her ex-boyfriend and he’s like, “SCHMIDT’S GONNA HAPPEN!” and slaps him in the face. It’s such a girly move, but so funny.

The one that will break your heart

CB: I really loved the part where the landlord comes up and is totally hitting on Jess, and Nick and Jess are daring each other—”We’re about to have a ménage à trois because you won’t admit that you are wrong!”

MH: It’s so ridiculous, it’s horrific.

CB: What are some good things that happen with Nick? The Fancyman…

MH: In Fancyman he really shone. He was so funny. And he has a ton of good one-liners. He’s really funny, but he’s the one that’s going to break your heart. You know what I mean? He’s the most serious character in the show, I think.

CB: Oh, I totally agree. Nick has the most potential. But it’s kind of what they say about Nick. He’s got the most potential to be anything he wants and be awesome but there’s something about him that’s a little self-sabotaging.

MH: I loved that cancer episode because of his one speech where he says he never does anything unless he knows exactly what’s going to happen. And if he doesn’t know what’s going to happen, he doesn’t do it.

CB: I know how that feels!

MH: It makes you die inside, because he was in law school. He’s so smart. He’s so kind. He’s such a great guy. You know how we were talking about how they are totally setting Nick and Jess up? After she broke up with the Fancyman and is like, “I want passion. I want to argue,” she went home and yelled at Nick. I was like, good job.

CB: Yeah, they threw that in there.

MH: One of the things that I like is that every time you expect something romantic to happen between them, they throw it on its head. Like at the wedding, where Nick goes, “Just come over here with me.” And she asks, “Why?” And he says, “Just come with me right now.” And they’re on the dance floor… and it’s a really slow song… and then he starts doing the chicken dance. And she’s just like, “Okay yeah!” They keep it on a friends level. It’s different. I really like that.

CB: I like it too. I love cute relationships like that where they’re friends. They like each other. It’s not this big passionate thing.

MH: When slash if it does happen, it’s totally going to come as a surprise. It’s going to shock both of them.

CB: I loved the end of the second episode where they have them sitting on the hood of the car, just chilling. Just as the camera pans away he puts his arm around her. It’s cute. It’s believable. It’s this comfort. I think they’re really cute friends.

OR ARE THEY? Find out in an upcoming post on “Fluffer,” this week’s episode of New Girl!


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